


Two Hearts, One Soul, One Home

by ElizaSam



Series: Better to Have Loved and Lost Than Never Loved at All (Malec) [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Grief/Mourning, Immortality, Love Letters, M/M, Past Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:13:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23465218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElizaSam/pseuds/ElizaSam
Summary: Home is where the heart is.When Magnus's home has been shattered, he turns to love in the only way that he can.
Relationships: Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Malec - Relationship
Series: Better to Have Loved and Lost Than Never Loved at All (Malec) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1687996
Comments: 2
Kudos: 54





	Two Hearts, One Soul, One Home

My Darling Alexander,

You once asked me what it was like to be immortal. I gave you a silly answer because the truth is so deeply buried that dredging it up is like trying to perform heart surgery on yourself. Maybe you could use a mirror, and maybe you’d make it out alive, but seeing your own chest cut open, ribs cracked wide, blood diverted and heart pumping is something that you could never heal from. Not mentally, at least. 

So, my darling, what is it like to be immortal? To be immortal is to lose yourself. 

Somewhere, centuries back, I got lost. 

Magnus is not my given name. I do not know whether I ever admitted that to you, Alexander. I hope that I did. When I chose it, I imagined that Magnus Bane would be a great man. He would be strong and confident, unafraid to take what he wanted and unapologetic about doing it. I wanted Magnus Bane to be greater than I was. And for many years, he was. He was carefree. He could claim the names of many great people that he had partied with, had fallen into bed with. He felt no guilt over the past and no sorrow over lost parents, and he certainly did not weep over lost loves. 

But then Magnus Bane met a man. It shouldn’t have made a difference; he shouldn’t have been special. But he was. 

Shall I tell you about that man, my darling? 

That man was named Alec. And he was blunt and grumpy and dressed head to toe in black, Shadowhunter leather. That man wandered across my path, practically jumping into the shadows to ensure that he wasn’t seen. He was so awkward and so scared of himself. 

And I liked him.

It took time. Oh, darling, how you made me wait! I feared that my heart would leap out of my chest the day you walked away from me and toward your wedding. We had something, and I knew that you felt it as much as I. It wasn’t love, not yet, but it was the potential for so much more. 

It was that chance, that sliver of hope, that persuaded me to follow you. Alec Lightwood deserved more than to be stuck in a loveless marriage with only a future of Clave oversight to look forward to. He should be able to come home to his husband and experience intimacy with someone who knew him better than he knew himself. Even if it wasn’t with me, he deserved to love and be loved.

And then, my darling, my dearest Alexander, you chose me. 

I know not what great deed, what service, I must have done in my long and meaningless life to deserve you. How could I, a warlock, a Downworlder with more dark stains on my past than years you’ve lived, deserve you? 

You, who speaks of your siblings with more pride and affection than any parent. 

You, who has protected warlocks and Nephilim alike, uncaring of their heritage. 

You, who would have sacrificed everything for a world that didn’t accept you. 

You, who opened your guarded heart and showed me Alexander when Alec holds the rest of the world at bay. 

You, who reminded Magnus Bane that it was okay to just be Magnus, to just be me. 

I am not a great writer. You know that by now, Alexander. But I have known many great writers and many great poets, and they have had many great loves. I used to think that I had found the love they wrote about. There were others before you, you know that; mundanes, vampires, seelies, warlocks. And I’d like to think that I stood by them as they deserved. 

But they were never you. I might have known love, and I might have known loss, but I did not know what it meant to share one’s soul until you came into my life. 

My darling, I don’t think that I can heal from this. I can’t close up my own chest and sew the skin back together with thick, ugly stitches all the while knowing that my heart is no longer inside. 

My soul is with you, Alexander. 

And it is crying, wailing, weeping, to come home. I want to come home, my darling, but you are nowhere to be found.

Forever and always, my darling Alexander,  
Your Magnus


End file.
